One of the quirks of the fetishist is the occasional desire to purge. Sometimes we wake up, take a look in our wardrobe and decide all that expensive rubberwear, TV costumes, bondage gear or whatever is our fetish has to be disposed of. We need it gone from our lives. We need to feel “normal” again.
A little while later the reverse of the purge appears – the binge. Our desires return and we find ourselves lamenting the loss of our collection. So we start again on another cycle, buying new clothes and toys. Vast sums of money are spent, only for us to purge again weeks, months, even years later.
The truce between fetish and normal lives
Most of us have a truce between our fetishes and what we consider to be our “normal” lives. We can keep the two apart to a lesser of greater degree. When we purge typically what has happened is something has broken through the truce and brought our non-normal side into sharp relief. We feel uncomfortable, ashamed even and the conditions for a purge are created. We need to be normal again and thus we start to throw the things that make us seem abnormal away. Hopefully, we reason, we will be cured.
In the past all manner of things have triggered my own purge reflex and not all have been negative. New girlfriends, promotions, the death of my grandmother: they’ve all contributed to almost overwhelming urges to rid myself of kink. Almost always they were accompanied by a sense that I’d grown out of my perversions.
Only I’ve been wrong.
It is a part of me.
Once I realised what was happening and why the urge to purge subsided. I came to recognise these feelings are about me having to focus somewhere else for a while. So the latex gets polished and put away and comes out another day. Sometimes it goes away for a few weeks, sometimes for a few months. When I went through my divorce it was out of sight for more than a year. The key thing is I know my feelings will return and that I will fixate once more on my latex or the ropes I use for bondage.
To get to this point required some quiet reflection. I kept a daily journal for a while when I was dating a sadist some years ago, and it helped me to understand a lot about myself. As part of this I would sit down each night and think about why I was feeling the way I was and try to find links between how I felt and what was happening around and to me. When the relationship ended and I felt the need to rid myself of all the clothing and equipment I’d bought I immediately knew why. By keeping a journal you too can start to see what is going on around you because it forces you to reflect and consider. Once you’ve identified what it is that triggers your urge to purge you will be able to deal with it, understand it and maybe even accept it.
The desire to rid ourselves of our fetishes and somehow become “normal” is a natural part of being a fetishist. Usually a symptom of some other stress in our lives, rather than throw away expensive toys, simply putting them out of sight for a while might be as effective. Regardless of this, understanding what triggers these feelings and acknowledging them as transient will help make for a happier and more comfortable acceptance of who we are.
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