My encounter with a victim of domestic abuse

In my youth, as I was exploring my dominant side, I encountered a woman who frightened the life out of me. We dated for about four weeks and in that time I seriously questioned whether BDSM was right, whether an abuser was lurking inside me and how I was going to cope if things went further.

Each time we met she pressed buttons. Her aim seemed to be to wind me up and get a reaction. Sometimes she did it in private, sometimes in public. Always the aim seemed to be to get me to a point where I’d explode and let a more violent side of me out.

Sex with her was aggressive. I did spank her, hold her down, pull her hair and all those other things. Only she seemed to want more. Things came to a head when she told me flat out she wanted me to beat her up. Not dominate her and subject her to pleasurable but painful torments but to actually punch and kick her until she was in a heap on the floor broken and bruised.

I said no.

On came the button pushing until I finally snapped, told her to sit down and tell me what the hell was going on. I was angry, angry enough that I held myself back and for the first (only) time in my life considered hitting a woman in pure anger.

The full story of her past came out. She’d been in an abusive relationship and something in her mind had connected being hurt with being loved. She wanted me to show her that I loved her by beating her up like her boyfriend had. BDSM, she had wrongly concluded, was full of such abusers and therefore she would find herself a mate and try and recapture that sense of love she had been conditioned to experience.

As a young twenty-something I was not equipped to deal with that. With a fairly blunt, “that is not who I am or what I want” I finished the relationship there and then. In hindsight perhaps that was too harsh on her. At the time it felt like the right thing to do.

Today, if confronted with the same situation, I would undoubtedly act a little differently. Although the relationship would be over, I might suggest counselling to help them understand how they truly feel, remain in touch as a friend to offer an anchor point as they work through their issues, even coach them in what BDSM is truly about.

Certainly I would be more mindful of the fact that a person who is a victim of domestic abuse, who is seeking a means to re-enter an abusive relationship as a form of self-validation, is potentially not in a position to make informed, consensual decisions about BDSM play.

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About Razz

I'm a creative dominant type with a love of BDSM and fetishism. This blog is an outlet, so don't take anything you see or read too seriously.

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