A question that often springs up in the various BDSM forums is, “My partner likes X, I don’t like the sound of it, should I do it?” Almost invariably the group-think settles into a “respect your boundaries” viewpoint that discourages the questioner from doing anything they don’t feel comfortable with and to run away from anyone who persists in asking.
I beg to differ.
Whilst I am a huge advocate of the “safe, sane, consensual” creed, I also know it can be limiting. It can lock us into a state of mind where anything we don’t feel comfortable about becomes a limit and therefore we should not be moved beyond. But if we don’t try new things how will we discover a little more about ourselves?
If you have a partner who is keen to try something you’re not comfortable with don’t dismiss it out of hand and declare a “hard limit”. Sit down and talk about it. Question what it is that makes you nervous or afraid and then find a way to deal with those issues within the scene. Encourage your partner to be patient, to allow things to develop at the pace that is right for you. When the scene starts and the new sensations begin to trigger your buttons, resist the temptation to call the safeword. Relax, allow the experience to wash over you and remember you trust your play partner for a reason.
Some years ago I dominated a woman who did not like gags. She was afraid of choking and that she wouldn’t be able to signal to me to stop. Our compromise was to use a scarf that she bit between her teeth and was tied loosely at the back of her head. The first scene was the most frightening as her fears played out in her head, only to be found to be untrue. A few days later, as we made love, she asked for the gag again, only this time she wanted it “a bit tighter”. When I saw her a year after we’d parted company she was in a fetish club with a thick ball gag in her mouth. Introduced in a careful, sensitive way, the gag had gone from a thing of fear to a central part of her role as a submissive.
My advice is simple. Don’t dismiss a partner’s request out of hand. Even if you’ve tried it with someone before it can be rewarding to allow a new partner to explore your boundaries and ease you over them into unchartered waters. Just remember that you need to talk through your concerns, make sure they are addressed and remember you trust your dominant for a reason.
Tagged: BDSM Relationships
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