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29 tips for dominants in the BDSM dating scene

29 tips for dominants in the BDSM dating scene

There can be a perception that Dominants find submissives quite easily. This, in my view, has largely been created by the abundance of professional Dominatrices whose dungeons are awash with paying men (and women). For those who are more interested in finding play partners or even life partners the search can be a little harder.

Online dating has become the way for BDSM lifestylers to connect with one another. There are countless sites supplying social networks, forums and profiles to Dominants and submissives alike. Finding the right person takes time and effort, and always needs to be done with an eye to safety.

What follows are 29 tips to help Dominants searching for the right date improve their chances of success and stay safe at the same time (there’s 28 tips for submissives here).

1. Remember this is about sexuality, not sex

I cannot stress this enough: BDSM can be extremely sexual and conversations, even amongst people who don’t know eachother, can be explicit and laced with fantasy. But this does NOT MEAN you have to jump into bed, perform sex acts or agree to dominate everyone you connect with.

It does, however, mean you will be dealing with people for whom their personal fantasy, kink or fetish defines a part of who they are sexually. So be sensitive when you reject people and do not judge them. You may not like what they’re into, but nowhere does it say you have to do it.

2. Stay anonymous

If you’ve met through a social network or kink friendly dating site keep your personal information out of site. Don’t reveal your name, your “real” email address, where you live or even your phone numer until you are comfortable.

3. Careful how you message someone

If you’re using Whatsapp as soon as you hand out your phone number the other person knows your real name. If you’re serious about using this kind of messaging technology I suggest buying a pay-as-you-go (or disposable cell) phone.

4. Segregate your persona

BDSM is not like vanilla online dating – it carries a degree of stigma from society as a whole, particularly for Dominants. Society will assume we’re violent, that we engage in domestic abuse and that we’re psychopaths. To protect yourself segregate your BDSM and vanilla identities through separate email addresses, Facebook or Google+ accounts and even phones.

5. Approach politely

This is where most of the “”wannabe”” Dominants screw up. They assume because a submissive has said they like humiliation, or because they identify as Dominant they can be rude, abusive and disgusting in the first message. Nothing can be further from the truth.

Craft a first message that shows you have read their profile, connects with it in some way and asks a question about it that prompts them to reply.

6. Careful with your images

The selfie has become defacto for dating. In vanilla dating the advice is produce a close-up shot, a full-length one and one that shows you in your normal environment. In the BDSM world this doesn’t always work as we don’t like to show our faces to random strangers! Three or four well chosen, discreet and private images should be sufficient for your profile. Just remember you can often set images to be private, so don’t feel you have to show everything to everyone. And when I say everything, I of course include images of your genitalia.

7. Craft your profile

A few well chosen words will help you attract potential submissives. You should set out what qualities you believe you have, what you’re looking for in your submissive and an encouraging “call to action” that sets out how you’d like people to contact you. Writing a detailed “this is what I want to do to you” is a no-no and a little humour is a plus.

8. Network

If you want to attract more than the casual browser of profiles spend some time networking. Contribute to forums, post blog entries and do whatever else is required to show that you’re engaged in the community. You will increase the quality of responses that you get from people.

9. Don’t get disheartened

Just because you’re a Dominant doesn’t mean you’re going to get people hammering at your door begging to submit, particularly if you’re a male looking for a female. You will get your fair share of rejections, abusive messages and plain weird approaches. Learn from your rejections, adapt your approach and push on. The right person for you IS out there.

10. Connect online first

When someone comes along who interests you don’t think you have to rush into a full blown scene. Take some time to get to know them online first. Check out their profiles, any pics, their interests and so on. Then start to discuss them. Have a conversation so you can build up a more complete picture of them and generate some trust.

11. You did “what” on webcam?

Unfortunately I’ve met a couple of (single) Dominants who think a submissive should perform for them on webcam. Needless to say they don’t get a lot of action unless they’re paying for it! Webcam is for building the relationship – play only comes later.

Equally you should be wary of people asking you to perform on cam. Being asked to “”put on a show to prove you’re really a Dominant”” is bullshit and don’t fall for it. Conversations may be sexual, may involve fantasies and may be extremely explicit, but acting them out is just silly.

12. Watch the pressure to meet

Sometimes the pressure can be on the Dominant to “”make the first move”” and propose a meeting. That’s fine, but take your own sweet time over it. Make sure you are comfortable with the submissive you’re talking to before committing to breaking out from behind the digital mask and meeting them in public.

If they are pushing you to meet before you are ready resist. If they are unwilling to meet in the timescales you expected nudge. Just be aware of creating or responding to too much pressure that may kill an otherwise promising relationship.

13. Talk first

It doesn’t matter if it is on Skype, Hangouts or the phone, talk to them first. It is all too easy to hide behind a digital persona, so check that their voice matches what you were expecting. That isn’t just about making sure they’re the gender they say they are, it is also about picking up on whether there is something about them that makes you feel uncomfortable.

14. Meet in public

It goes without saying that the first meeting has got to be in a public space. It could be that you meet at a tube station, or a specific restaurant, but whatever it is make sure it is somewhere there are a lot of people around. Given you will probably want to talk kinky that might seem uncomfortable, only it is far better to be safe and have your conversation stunted a little.

15. Stay connected to friends

Your friends don’t need to know you’re meeting someone you hope you’ll get to tie up and spank! Heading out on a date is sufficient! Make sure a friend knows where you’re going and check in with them before, during and after your date. You might think you’re the big “”I am”” as the Dominant and immune from unwanted attention, but after your drink has been spiked you’re going to be as useless as a baby!

Also be aware that your potential submissive should be doing the same thing (if they’re not suggest it). Do NOT get upset with them if, during your meeting, they text a friend to let them know they’re OK. This is entirely sensible and responsible.

16. Don’t choose a restaurant

Going out for a meal might seem like a great idea, but it restricts your option to leave. There’s a social pressure to remain at the meal until the end, whereas you might realise the person you’re with is a complete douchebag in about 5 minutes. Coffee shops are far better as there is no obligation to stay.

17. Fetish events aren’t great for first dates

Generally keep away from meeting someone at a fetish event. The place is charged with sexuality and those around you may not understand if you get into difficulty and may instead assume you’re playing.

18. Don’t leave your stuff unattended

Whether it is your food, your drink or your bag do not let anything out of your sight. If you need to go to the bathroom finish your drink first. Leave your coat on a hook somewhere (or not take one if it is warm enough). Finding your drink has been spiked or your keys stolen is not fun.

19. Avoid getting pissed

As the date progresses and defences come down you might find yourself drinking more than you expected. If you can, stay on the soft drinks.

20. You can leave when you want

Don’t feel obligated to stay. If something doesn’t feel right or look right or they’ve said something that worries you there is always the option to thank them for their time and move on. Just be polite about it as what you don’t want is a confrontation that ends up making you look and feel bad.

21. Never accept a lift

No matter how nice you think they are don’t accept a lift. Which in turn means ensuring you know how you’re going to get back home!

As a Dominant male (and a gentleman, I hope) I will often offer my date a lift with the proviso that they are not to accept it!

22. Don’t disclose where you’re staying

Sometimes you’ll meet someone far enough away that you have to stay overnight. If that’s the case book a hotel and don’t tell your date where you’re staying. Don’t let them “walk you home” and certainly don’t let them up to your room.

23. Play on the first date it not mandatory

I have heard Dominants tell submissives they must prove their submission by performing some act on the first date. This is bollocks. Do not feel pressured into suggesting it, don’t accept it if it is offered.

24. Set up the second date later

If you like them and want to see them again don’t make the second date at the end of the first. Walk away, commit to contact them the next day, but don’t commit to the next date.

25. Get help

I’ve seen 6 foot plus guys brought down crying by five foot nothing women and come across powerful Dominatrices who have been beaten up, so don’t think being a Dominant is any way a guarantee shit won’t happen. If you find yourself in difficulty in some way ask for help.

Screaming probably won’t help, but if there are people around be polite and firm in asking them. Apparently the best thing to do isn’t scream “”help””, but rather look at a person and call out to them using something they’re wearing as an identifier (“”Sir in the blue coat, could you help me?””)

26. The tricky follow-up

When it’s time to do the follow-up from the date don’t think it is a game of “who blinks first loses”. If you like the date say so. If you didn’t, find a polite way of letting them down. If they reply first and say what you didn’t expect them to (they like you, you don’t like them or vice versa) handle it accordingly.

27. Let down gently

If you didn’t like the date say so. Don’t labour the point though, a succinct “sorry, I don’t think we connected but good luck for the future” will do. Then move on. They might reply, they might not. If the reply is abusive or threatening hit the block button and report it to the site’s operators. If not, well maybe they’ll be a decent friend in the future.

28. You’re nobody’s Dominant until they submit

You are the Dominant and you will no doubt behave in a certain way. That way, however, should not involve making the potential date feel inferior or obliged to follow any direction you might give. Furthermore, they’re under no obligation to do what you say either, so if they don’t call you “”Sir”” all evening don’t be offended. They might not be ready yet.

Right up until the point the pair of you agree to enter a scene together anything you say is just a suggestion that can be ignored, so don’t get offended unncessearily, don’t start throwing your weight around and don’t try and punish them there and then. All you’ll do is make yourself look like an idiot and ruin a potentially great relationship.

Remember that the spoils of Domination come to he who has the patience to wait for the submissive.

29. Respect the submissive.

You might have the perception that as a Dominant you can look down on your date. If you think that please stop now and go do something else. Respecting a submissive, treating them like a human being and being aware of their sensitivities will greatly improve your chances of connecting them. Sure, the fantasy may be one of humiliation and degradation, but as humans we need more than that.

The online world is fantastic as it means Dominants no longer have to hide their BDSM fantasies and desires. You can step out and make your own luck through the plethora of websites. Just make sure when you’re doing it you stay safe and play fair.

About Razz

I'm a creative dominant type with a love of BDSM and fetishism. This blog is an outlet, so don't take anything you see or read too seriously.

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