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Why safe words are an important part of BDSM

Why safe words are an important part of BDSM

Your partner is bent over your knee, their bottom bare and red from where you’ve been spanking them. As you strike them once more you hear these words, “Please stop, please no more.”

What do you do?

Our society dictates that you stop. Yet in a BDSM scene begging for something to stop can heighten the thrill for the submissive. It gives them a sense of losing control or surrendering themselves to their owner. This raises a question, if “no” doesn’t mean “no” then what does?

Enter the safe word. This is a replacement that substitutes for “no” or “stop” and allows the submissive to use it without breaking the dynamic of the scene. There are many different variations and couples will find the words that work best for them. Some like to use a traffic light system (Red for let’s stop the whole thing, amber for don’t do that again and green for starting again) others use completely random words that are unlikely to crop up in conversation.

I prefer a hybrid approach, using “red” if my submissive wants to stop the scene completely, “mercy” if a particular activity is too much for them and they want to slow down, and “more” if they want a particular activity to increase or restart. This I find useful as it allows my partner to stay in the right mindset if they just need some space to collect their thoughts.

Which brings us to the next question:

What do you do if your submissive uses their safe word?

The single most important thing is not to panic. It happens to many of us, but there is no need to be alarmed. A calm approach is essential to assess the situation and respond accordingly. That said, you do need to remain in control of the situation, so for the sake of safety. A submissive who starts to flail around in panic is likely to start hurting themselves.

Clearly whatever is happening needs to stop. At this point the urge may be to start untying ropes and stripping out of latex, only I urge caution. If they’re unable to speak get the gag out of their mouth so they can and start asking questions. Why have they asked to stop? Are they in particular difficulty? Are they in pain? This allows you to focus on what needs to be done first so they can be released safely.

As you release them keep talking and provide reassurance. It is entirely possible they’re going to feel disappointed, perhaps even upset that they’ve let you down. Don’t be distant, just keep talking, asking if they’re OK and letting them know what you’re doing.

If there is a need for some immediate medical attention, such as rope burn or a cut, treat it. A basic knowledge of first aid is helpful and a first aid kit essential. More often than not, however, what prompted the safe word is psychological, so be ready to listen to them as they pour their heart out. After care is often more important when a safe word has been used as your partner may be upset and in quite a fragile state.

As well as the submissive being upset it is also quite acceptable for the Dominant to be so too. Questioning whether you went too far or did something wrong is important, although you may need to put this to the back of your mind as your submissive needs you more.

Remember: before you begin agree your safe words, and if they’re used don’t panic: act calmly, deliberately and swiftly to address any immediate problems around their safety and then start the after care.

About Razz

I'm a creative dominant type with a love of BDSM and fetishism. This blog is an outlet, so don't take anything you see or read too seriously.

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What did he expect when she took him on holiday? He's a white slave and she's the Black Mistress he worships.

No Holiday for a White Slave is a tale of BDSM that focuses heavily on race play, sadism and humiliation. It's not for the faint hearted or easily offended.

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