Living with a fetish isn’t easy. It can be a lonely existence, full of doubt and a fear the next person you mention it to will ridicule and humiliate. These feelings can be even more intense if you’re single and trapped in a belief no one will satisfy your kinks.
Relieving this tension is one of the valuable roles sex workers play. As more people find themselves single and loneliness becomes an epidemic, more of us are turning to them to find an hour or two of pleasure. In my past I’ve hired professionals when I’ve felt down or lonely. While I’ve been with professional mistresses, it’s the fetish escorts where I’ve felt most at ease.
Finding the right professional sex worker takes time and effort. It doesn’t always happen the first time either, you may have several disappointing encounters before you find the right one.
Be honest with yourself
Before you even think about hiring a professional, think long and hard about what you really want. Forget all the talk about professional mistresses and “ProDommes”. Forget the assumption that because you’re “x” you should choose “y”. Sit down and ask yourself the hard question: if you could have only one thing, what would it be?
It could help to have a list of your wants and needs. When I was struggling to find what I wanted, I called on an old management technique – MOSCOW – to identify what I Must, Should, Could and Won’t have. It helped me to prioritise and cut through the fantasy to the deeper needs.
Of all the professionals I mixed with over the years, it was an escort in a flat in North London I had the best time with. We put on latex, chatted for a while, got intimate, mixed roles, laughed, had fun and at the end she had a happy client who kept going back until she retired. No domination, extreme sports or even sex. Just two people in latex being together.
How do you find a professional?
The web is awash with sites. A quick search will show the scale of the problem, and not everything that comes up is still active. Sex workers come and go, sometimes trading sites with one another, sometimes letting them fade.
If trawling through hundreds of sites doesn’t appeal, you could try an escort agency. Many exist, usually operating on the basis they introduce people and what happens between them is none of their business. This doesn’t stop you from asking if they have someone one on their books who caters for your fetish.
Alternatively, there are directories where escorts ply their trade and clients offer reviews. Adultwork is one of the biggest in the UK and includes verified reviews.
As you find candidates, do your research. Check their services to see how closely they fit your list of wants and needs. If there’s a reasonable fit, read their social media accounts or blogs to see if what they offer appeals.
One word of caution though: being physically attracted to a professional is not enough. They may look beautiful in their profile, but if they don’t meet the needs you’ve set for yourself, you’re in for disappointment.
Do they want to be a sex worker?
Sex trafficking happens. People (mostly women) are forced into becoming sex workers for any number of reasons. I firmly believe anyone visiting a sex worker has a responsibility to ensure they are 100 percent willing. If they’re not, or you have any suspicions, walk away and report it.
I want to stress you must report it.
You won’t meet a professional unless you contact them. Your first approach should be clear, concise and professional. Spending 5,000 words setting out the exact detail of the fantasy simmering in your head is not a great opener. Later you can negotiate details, right now you need to know if they will be a good fit with your needs.
Set out factually what you do and don’t want. This is the time to include your major “must haves”, there’s no point going further with someone who won’t entertain your pet fetish. If they’ve listed your fetish on their site there’s no point asking if they cater for it, but you can ask about your specific needs. My latex fetish centres on catsuits, so I would ask if they had a latex catsuit to wear. Often the answer was “no” and I’d move on.
Don’t expect to enter into long email exchanges though. A single message followed by a call to discuss any details and arrange an appointment is all it should take. If you talk on the phone, make sure you avoid diving into obsessive detail. You don’t want to come across as a creep.
Before you meet, make sure you have all the details firmed up, including date, time, place and payment. Confirm it in an email if you can, then follow all instructions you receive. Where you’re meeting is a place of work for them, but it could be a home to other people. Being discreet is important, so make sure you press the right buzzer at the right time.
You will get intimate with someone, which means personal hygiene has to be taken care of. Take a shower, wear clean underwear and clothes, brush your teeth. Treat it like an important meeting where you want to make a good first impression.
Throughout your session be polite and friendly. There’s no need to labour the point they’re a sex worker and you’re the client (they know). If you’re feeling nervous or uncomfortable, say so. If you need help, ask. You should enjoy yourself and there’s not much worse than a client who’s frozen, uncommunicative and unhelpful.
Don’t get too personal. Most sex workers want to maintain a distance between their professional and private lives. Asking questions that stray too far from professional can set them on edge. As a rule of thumb, “taste in music” is OK, “family” is not.
Hiring a professional means paying for services. It’s a part of the process, and each sex worker will have their own ways and means of dealing with it. A few will accept credit cards, most prefer cash. However, they want payment, make sure you’re ready to pay that way when they ask for it.
An increasing number of sex workers are asking for deposits in advance, mostly to weed out time wasters and fantasists. Being asked for a deposit does not mean you’re being scammed, but you should check references before handing over any money.
A word of caution about using PayPal. The service has banned sex workers, so if you are askedto pay through them remember their account might be forfeit and so could yours.
Just because you’re paying it doesn’t mean you can do what you want to them. You can have a reasonable expectation the professional will cater to your fetish. If they turn up and announce they don’t like latex, or won’t do whatever it was at the top of your “musts”, you’ve every right to feel peeved. You don’t have a right to force them to do it.
Equally, if you have limits, these should also be respected.
Consent isn’t something that’s granted when you first meet and then forgotten about. It evolves over time, so something off-limits today may become on-limits tomorrow. As in any relationship, communication is key and allows you both trust one another, relax and enjoy the session more.
Safe sex is not a personal choice, it’s a necessity. It just takes one person who doesn’t know they’re infected to spread an STI. Always have barrier protection with you and don’t be offended if your sex worker insists you use theirs.
It isn’t only about genital STIs either. Cold sores, flu and other ailments can spread quickly. Even if all you have is a cold, ask the professional if they’d rather reschedule. If they fall ill, expect a phone call or email asking the same.
If you are determined to have unprotected sex (bareback or the “porn star experience”) you can expect to need testing before you meet and after, as well as provide medical certificates. Few sex workers offer it, so make sure this is high on your “musts”.
Time to leave
Eventually your time together will end. You’ll need to collect your things together, dress and make sure you have everything. You may have a cup of coffee together and a chat. Sometimes you’ll be offered the chance to shower, sometimes not (the latter can be a problem if you’ve a fetish with a distinct aroma!) However it ends, pay attention to the hints and nudges that move you closer to the door. They’re intended to end the session on good terms.
As a friend of mine once said, “be the Gentleman who leaves, not the dick who’s told to go.”
Do you go back?
Manners matter, so a brief message of thanks is acceptable, a blow-by-blow retelling not so. It gives you a bit of breathing space to come down and decide if this is someone you want to see again. This is where you can remind yourself you are the client and are under no obligation to go back. Take some time to reflect on your time together and decide if you want to go back.
If you do see them again, there’s no need to make a big announcement. When you’re ready approach your chosen professional and remind them who you are and what you liked. No doubt new ideas to try will have come to mind, so don’t be afraid to ask. It was only after my third visit that my favourite sex worker and I finally covered ourselves from head-to-toe in latex, complete with gas masks!
The best advice
You don’t have to default to a dominatrix to enjoy your fetish. There are sex workers who will accommodate you without being called “Mistress”, or have you crawl around on your knees.
Do you research, approach them respectfully and treat them as professionals and chances are you’ll either find someone who’s into it, or who will explore it with you.
Either way, there’s no need for you to be lonely.