Curse of the unsolicited BDSM dating message

Posted in lifestyle on Friday, 26th June 2020

“I want to bend you over and spank your juicy ass,” reads the message. It’s arrived out of the blue from an account you don’t know. Is it offensive, or someone being a dick? How should you react to it?

This question does the rounds on Fetlife on a regular basis – and rightly so. There is a type of person (usually characterised as male, but often coming from women too) who thinks firing off random messages is a “good thing”. There are so many reasons why they do it. They might get a kick from it, a brief sexual thrill of exposing their fantasy. It could be they sent out a similar message in the past and it led to a satisfying encounter. Maybe they think it’s what you want to hear.

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Whatever the reasons, it’s important to remember these messages are largely thought of as harmless by the sender. They’re sent without expectation of a response. Silence or being blocked is par for the course for them – and that’s a good thing. It puts you under no obligation to reply.

Problems usually start when they get a reply. That’s when escalation occurs and something that could have been brushed off becomes “an issue”. Exchanges can quickly become heated, contradictory and self-defeating. You could be left feeling upset.

Sadly these messages are a part of the fetish scene and have been for decades. The person you try to tear apart is unlikely to stop because you’ve fired off an angry reply. They might even get off on it. And you’ll still be angry and annoyed.

For what it’s worth I suggest you block the sender and delete the message. If you absolutely must reply, compose and send your message, then block them immediately as they won’t see it and won’t be able to reply. Depending on the nature of the original message, you might also want to report them. I’m not sure what good this does as the usual response to being banned is to open a new account and start again.

If the message has arrived in your email, add them to a rule that deletes their messages without reading them.

No matter how often we talk about how inappropriate these messages are they’ll keep coming. The best we can do is not take them personally and block the sender.

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Mostly dominant with a love of BDSM and fetishism. This blog is an outlet, so don't take anything you see or read too seriously.

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